So I’m at the lowest of lows…my bank account is empty and so am I. My self-confidence is all but gone. It’s been two years of struggling and juggling. And I hate what I have become. Worse, I fear what has to be done.
My friends would tell me to meditate. Picture a garden and a cabin…Go towards the cabin…Relax….Let Go… Well, I’ve never been good at letting go. The few times I tried, I’d find myself in a garden right out of a horror movie. Instead of living growing organisms, I’d see black, decaying flowers. Not good for calming the soul…
I do need to back up a bit in this story and tell that it is not all doom and gloom. I have the love of a man that makes me smile, laugh, and who gives me strength.
But not even he could save a sinking ship. Part of the reason that my cruise business was going under was the recognition that the passion that ignites me at work and in life was elsewhere.
For the majority of my adult life I either belonged to or led organizations that helped people grow their business. In 2008 I returned to my core passion and bought the rights to start a chapter of eWomenNetwork in Southern New Jersey. eWomenNetwork’s purpose is to enrich and empower the lives and businesses of women entrepreneurs AND to help them reach their full potential and accomplish their dreams.
I love what I do and I love our members. They have been the real support system for me during these past two years, whether they know it or not.
But there I was, month after month, standing before these women and feeling like an impostor. How could I lead when I had no idea where I was going?
And then something amazing happened. It’s March 2010 and I’m on the phone planning an event in Atlantic City, “A Night of Spiritual and Energy Healing.” I’m talking with one of our members and a featured speaker of the event, Lisa Monahan of Bridging Energies.
In the middle of this conversation about logistics, Lisa stops me and asks, “Is there something of father’s near you?” My response, “Yes, my mom and dad’s wedding picture is my screen saver and I always wear his high school ring.” Lisa says, “he wants you to know that they are proud of you; that you should not feel guilty about letting them down; you have not let them down. They love you and want the best for you and you must do what you need to do. They are behind you, supporting you.”
Now Lisa had no idea what I was going through. I hadn’t shared it with many people at that point. Tears streamed down my face and I experienced a sudden sense of freedom. I thanked her and cried for another 30 minutes. Tears of appreciation. Tears of love.
The next day I called a lawyer.
Reality bites…but at least I’m moving forward.
Compelled to Share….the next installment of “My Bankruptcy Story.”